Sunday, December 28, 2008


I'm in such a funk today. I'm blaming it on the pregnancy hormones.

For those of you who visited my blog in the last few days, you may have noticed that I deleted my last post. I wrote it at a time of being really down, and I didn't want that to be my "Merry Christmas, blog readers!" post. I do hope that each of you had a truly blessed and wonderful holiday.

I had my dad, step-mom, and brother down from Maine yesterday to celebrate Christmas with hubby and I, since we couldn't make it up there this year due to my being on bed rest. They also brought gifts from my sister and her family, as well as my mom and step-dad, since we aren't sure when we'll make it up to Maine again. To be honest, my dad is trying to make me promise him that we won't be doing any traveling to Maine for the remainder of my pregnancy. I think I could make that promise if I didn't have two little nephews there that I miss dearly, and don't want to wait more than 6 months to be able to see again. Been there, done that with Luke, and the look of confusion and "who the heck is that stranger?" written on his face permanently broke a piece of my heart a few years ago when I went a few months without seeing him. Of course, visiting that part of my family is a one-way street. Unless I visit them, I won't see them. Which is difficult, especially now with everything that I'm dealing with pregnancy-wise.

See, I'm definitely in a funk today. Been really down in the dumps. Caught myself crying at times (like I am now). Don't really know what it is, though I think it's a combination of the weather and a build-up of emotions and stress from the last few weeks of bed rest. Especially during Christmas time. I missed out on seeing my nephews open their gifts in person (though webcam was a nice alternative to just hearing reactions over the phone). And I feel like I didn't do as much this year as I normally would have done. I forgot to get some special gifts for Ernie, and feel as though I didn't do nearly enough for Luke this year, especially compared to what I've done in years' past. Ernie and I did most of the shopping early, but I would have liked to have taken a day to just pick up a few extra things for that sweet little boy. Bed rest kinda put an end to that.

I also think I'm nervous about tomorrow's doctor appointment. Not the appointment itself, but the outcome. I'd love to be off bed rest, but at the same time, I'm terrified to be. To go from living a pretty horizontal life to being able to walk around and "do" things, and then going back to work... it scares me. But yet, I'd like to be able to do a little more, and I need to go back to work since this time out has already cut into my maternity leave as it is. But what if I do too much? What if the bleeding comes back? Ultimately, I'll trust in whatever happens tomorrow and the days after that. I trust that God has a plan, and that, that is enough.

Is it possible to trust and fear all at the same time?

Anywho, I think I'm going to curl up with a new book I got for Christmas, and get a good night's rest before tomorrow. Please pray, if you do, for a good visit with the doctor tomorrow, that everything is still going strong with this little bundle of joy growing inside of me, and that everything will continue to go well from here on out through June, when said little one is due.

And in the meantime, I'll also try to work on this hormone stuff. ;)

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