Monday, August 24, 2009

Chocolate and Slush Puppies

One of the hardest days...ever.

Back to work, and having to leave my two-month old baby girl in the care of someone else.

It's not just that. It's the idea of someone else raising my child. She spends more time in day care than with me over the course of a day. Since we've been home at 5:15 this evening, she's eaten, fussed some, then fell asleep at 7, and she's been asleep ever since. I didn't even get two hours with my baby girl. It truly breaks my heart.

I want to raise my baby. I want to be with her each day. I want to hold her when she wakes, sooth her when she cries, feed her when she's hungry, play with her, talk to her, love on her...and I want to be there for it all. I don't want to miss a thing.

All my life I wanted to be a mother. And because that desire was so great, I feared I never would be able to have children of my own. After a long, difficult pregnancy that faced many uncertainties, my dream came true. On the flip side of that dream was that I would be able to be a stay at home mother to my children. Unfortunately that is not to be, and it's killing me.

I made the decision to go to college, and stupidly, an expensive one. I'm still paying off those school loans. My husband says that once my loans are paid off, I can be home. But by then my children will be in school. We might be able to make it work that I could be home if we were without the one car loan we have left (dh just made the last payment on his vehicle!), which isn't too, too much. But it's another 2 years left on the loan. And what good will that do me then? I'll have missed two years. I want to be there now. I want to be the one to raise my daughter, my sweet miracle baby.

What if she wakes and is scared? And I'm not there? What if she's hurt or sick? And she needs her Mother? What if she feels as though I've abandoned her? What if our bond weakens? What will I be missing? What if she's not happy? How will I know?

I miss her so much, and writing this is making me cry again.

Seriously, who wouldn't want to kiss on those chunka cheeks all day long?


♥Amber Filkins♥ said...

Awwww, I am SO sad for you. Hmmm, what else can you do from home?? You could do daycare, and just have one other kid. That would bring in some money. Even 2 kids.

I hope you find something! You're breaking my heart. And then you can stay home with your little chunka monka!

Staci said...

I feel so bad for you that you are going through all this pain. Your post is so true. Maybe you can give the person who is taking care of Katie a camera, so that they can take special pictures. I also heard that Target has a little video camera that is pretty inexpensive, and maybe give that to the caretaker also.
My heart breaks for you. Is there anyway you can work even one day less? It would be so nice, if you could take time off now, and then go back when she is in school. I don't know, just a thought.
Thinking of you.....