Five Minute Friday - Broken

I'm joining up with Lisa Jo Baker and some amazing women for Five Minute Friday. One word. Five minutes. No editing. Learn more HERE.

Today's word is:

BROKEN

GO

I drove my girls to day care this morning. Leia was in the back seat crying because she didn’t like the song that was playing on the radio. We passed a man walking a dog. She cried harder because she couldn’t see it. When I shut the car off and got the kids out of their car seats, I didn’t do it fast enough. Leia cried more. When she got out of the car, she couldn’t see her day care friend in the window any longer. She threw herself on the ground and declared that she wouldn’t stand. I carried her into the house, where she continued to cry because she couldn’t find her ball. The ball was discovered and handed to her. She threw herself on the floor in the entryway, belly down, and continued to cry. Minutes that seemed like hours later, the day care provider and I were able to redirect her to some music.

Katie came in the room, and wanted to sit on my lap. She scooted up. Leia wanted my lap too. Each child got a leg. Katie began to cry because she didn’t have enough room. I took her into the other room and we sat for a minute as she told me it wasn’t fair that she didn’t get time in my lap alone, and Leia had earlier. She cried for a little while longer as a friend came over and patted her back. I attempted to leave to go to work. Katie cried more, telling me that she doesn’t like to stay at day care. I reminded her it was Friday and the weekend was coming. She asked me to stay until she go snack. In the playroom she cried harder when she discovered a cob web on the ceiling, right above her head. It was taken care of. She cried again when she kissed my forehead, nose, lips, and finally my chin goodbye. She told me she didn’t want me to leave, that she needed me, and was going to follow me out. As I walked out the door, she ran away sobbing. As I was driving out of the driveway, she appeared in the bay window of the dining room and waved as she sobbed even harder. I kept looking back, seeing her tearful face watching me leave.

As I drove away, I felt broken.

 
STOP 

Five Minute Friday: View

I'm joining up with Lisa Jo Baker and some amazing women for Five Minute Friday. One word. Five minutes. No editing. Learn more HERE.

Today's prompt is:

VIEW



I view myself in so many different ways.

A wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend...

Keeper of the laundry, dishes, cleaning, dusting, mopping, vacuuming, bath-time duties, sippy-cup filling, diaper changing, hair brushing, toy picker-upper, nose-blower, teeth-brusher, boo-boo kisser, potty companion (because you know, there might be spiders or monsters in there), tucker-inner, night-time sleep checker, etc. etc.

I think I should rearrange the order up above. Mothering always comes first.

You've seen it typed here before, a thousand times I'm sure. Mothering. It  is the most rewarding, and the most challenging experience all wrapped up into one. 

I think it's so hard for us Moms to find that time to actively and equally give to all of our relationship titles. Those babies pop out, and our priorites sure do change in a jiffy, don't they?

Lately I've been reassessing my life, my roles, and myself, and trying to figure out how to have a better balance. For the above. And for me.

I feel that while I've gained so much from the two little girls who call me "Momma," I've lost a bit of me - "pre-Momma".

I want my daughters to always know that I am there for them, and to feel and know this incredible love I have for them. But I also want to start taking better care of me. Physically, mentally, spiritually.

Because I think it's important for them to see that, too.

Talk Time

My husband and I take turns putting each of our daughters to bed. Over the weekend, when it was my turn to put Katie to bed, I initiated a new part to her bedtime routine. 

Talk Time

As I mentioned in my last blog post, I stumbled upon this wonderful idea that Rachel over at Hands Free Mama put into place with her own daughters.

When I first mentioned the words talk time to Katie, her eyes got wide and she looked a bit nervous. I had to reassure her that she wasn't in trouble for anything, and then I explained that it would be a time for her to be able to talk to me about anything she wanted, or ask me any questions she had.

She became very excited.

I used Rachel's idea of initiating the conversation with me asking a question.

"Do you have any questions about when I was a kid?"

She thought for a moment, and then asked, "Did you use a paci (pacifier) when you were a baby?"  Which was interesting, because I had to think for a minute. I don't recall ever seeing any pictures of me with a pacifier, so I couldn't say for sure, and I told her so.

Her next question was about going to get donuts in the morning, just her and I.

Then she looked at me and said, "I have a lot of questions, Momma." I assured her that she could ask more, and we could have talk time each night when I put her to bed.

She looked around her bedroom, and spotted her stuffed animals. "Mom, I don't really use Plankton any more. Maybe I could give him away to another girl." 

Her last question that night inquired about having a drink of water.

Last night was round two of Talk Time. Again, she was very excited. And again, she told me she had a lot of questions.

She started with, "I was wondering if maybe we could have a tag sale and I could give all the toys I don't play with to other kids who don't have a lot of toys." My sweet, thoughtful child. We talked about giving to others, and perhaps donating some toys to the local hospital.

She then told me that she doesn't like her (bunk) bed anymore, and she would rather have a bed like Mom and Dad's. She also informed me that she needs to switch bedrooms. When I asked her why, she said, "Because my bedroom is next to Leia's, and she snores really loud." Which made me chuckle. And no, Leia does not snore. Their father on the other hand...

Katie was quite tired last night, and didn't want to ask many more questions. I think however, that this is the start of a great tradition, and a wonderful way to connect with her. I look forward to when Leia is old enough to also have talk time. I lam eager to learn about the thoughts spiraling in their little minds, and deepening our mother/daughter relationships.

Girls, Sisters, Friends.

 I adore this picture, fake tattoos and all.

Those two sweet girls in the last post - well, they certainly keep my heart full, as well as keep me on my toes!

Katie is a sweet, snuggly young girl, and while she may have her moments of anger and frustration, deep down she has a big heart. She is constantly telling me she loves me throughout the day. It is the sweetest thing having her big blue eyes look into mine, as her little arms are wrapped around my neck. Just yesterday she told me "you're my love" and she's constantly saying, "that's what loves do" when she does something nice for someone. Katie will be in preschool this fall, which seems so hard to believe. I still remember that day in the hospital when she was born. People always talk about how fast they grow, and it is so, so true. Just when I think about the next thing she should be learning or the next skill she should be acquiring, and how far away that accomplishment seems, she's doing it. Currently she is learning to write her name. She concentrates on writing her letters, and soaks everything up like a little sponge. And talk about proud; she is so proud of herself. As she should be. She created her first "person" the other day. I have been waiting for this moment; I just think little kids' drawings of people are so adorable. I was probably way more excited than I should have been!

Leia is our little jokester. She finds humor in everything, and is always trying to make people laugh. Just the other day she put her lunch bowl on her head and started laughing at our dog, Optimus, exclaiming, "Hat! Hat!" She is constantly testing the limits and pushing buttons. And every time, she laughs about it. Time outs? They don't phase her; she takes them with a smirk. She is our sweet and silly girl. She is picking up more and more words, and really starting to put them together. She loves the "Pad" (iPad), books, babies, her dog, snuggles with Daddy, and music. Turn on some music, and that girl can't resist dancing. Especially if it's Gangnam Style. She is fiercely independent, but lately she won't let Mommy out of her sight. She is usually grabbing my hand, saying, "c'mon." If I'm walking into a different room of the house, she runs after me screaming, "Wait!"

And these two as sisters? They have their moments, but they sure do love each other. They're always looking out for one another, and are playing more and more together. They love to chase each other around the house, and the sound of their combined giggles warms this Momma's heart.

Sisters. They are the best.

The Paci Fairy

The Paci Fairy visited our house last night. We've been talking about the Paci Fairy with Katie for a couple of weeks now to make the transition of giving up her pacifiers a little easier. We'd already minimized her use of pacifiers to sleep time - nap and bed time. However we wanted this transition to occur before the new baby arrives.

I did a lot of research on how best to handle this milestone. I've seen a lot of great ideas and advice out there in blog land. One cute idea was to take the child to Build-A-Bear and have the child pick out a special new stuffed animal. Before the new friend is sewn shut, the pacifiers are placed inside the stuffed animal. Sounds like a lovely idea, but I could just envision my daughter trying to rip that thing apart trying to get her paci's out of it. Ultimately, I went with the "Paci Fairy." The Paci Fairy comes to take the child's pacifiers to give to babies who need them, and in return leaves a special gift for the child for giving up his or her pacifiers, with the message that the child is a big kid now and doesn't need the pacifiers anymore. 


In addition to doing a lot of talking about the Paci Fairy over the last few weeks, I also took some books out from the library to read to Katie that talked about giving up the pacifier. She enjoyed these two:

Yesterday we made a card/letter for the Paci Fairy, and lastnight Katie put the card and her paci's in a little gift bag. I was surprised at how willing she was to do so. We walked out the front door, and she took forever carefully found the perfect spot on the front steps to leave the bag for the Paci Fairy. We went right up to bed and did our normal bedtime routine. She asked once for her paci's but didn't get upset when I reminded her that the Paci Fairy was coming for them. She quickly and quietly went to sleep!

Katie did wake up around 10:30 and couldn't settle herself back down. I think she didn't quite know what to do without her pacifier to soothe her. I tucked her back in, and she was quiet for about 45 minutes. She cried out once more, but then was quiet the rest of the night. When she finally woke up this morning (must have been a rough night because she slept an hour later than usual), we found her peering out of her crib and pointing at the toy left by the Paci Fairy. "What's that?" she repeated, followed by "Cat!" I don't think I've ever seen her so eager to get out of bed! She held tight to that cat all morning, at one point hugging it and saying, "My baby." So sweet.

Round 1 Complete. Now let's see what the next few days have in store!!

Bringing Home Baby

If you're like me, you may have done a ton of research (I may have done a little extra due to being on bed rest so long with my first daughter) to prepare you for having a baby. There is a lot of information out there in the form of books, videos, classes, and on the web. I remember vowing to read every book available on the subject of parenting prior to having my first child. I envisioned myself sitting in a rocking chair by a lamp every evening, soaking up the words of wisdom offered by doctors, professionals, and other parents to ready myself for what was to come.

In reality, however, you can only prepare so much. Because honestly, there is nothing that can 100% prepare you for having your first child.

There are some tips and suggestions however that might make this transition a little easier for you.

1. Stocking up

Before your new bundle of joy arrives, stock the freezer and the pantry. There is nothing better than having a meal ready to simply warm up and eat, and not having to worry about having the energy to cook a nice meal. You'll need a well-balanced diet more than ever right now, as your body is adjusting and recovering in so many ways. You will especially need a healthy diet if you're breast-feeding your baby.

So, stock the freezer with meals you can prepare ahead of time. Here are some helpful sites with recipes:

• Freeze Happy!
• Dinners in the Freezer
• 30 Meals in One Day

Also check out MealBaby - a great site for registering yourself or someone you know to receive meals from family, friends, and the community during this time of transition.

If you need to order out, keep a pile of take-out menus offering delivery in your area within easy reach. 

2. Organizing your Birth Plan

No, I don't mean your hospital's birth plan, but rather your own plan for your baby's birth and transition home. Some things to consider:

• Creating a list of people and phone numbers you'd like to have contacted with news of the baby's birth. 
• Setting up pet-care for your fur-babies. Who can stop by to let Rosco out during the day, take him for a quick walk, and feed him while you are recovering in the hospital? If you're scheduled for a c-section, is there someone who can take your pet for a few days? 
• Setting up child-care for your other children if this is not your first pregnancy. A lot of family members would probably like to be in the hospital waiting room awaiting the new arrival. Where does that leave your older child(ren), especially if he or she can not or should not be sitting in the waiting room too? (It's probably not the best place for a three-year old). Make sure you have someone you can count on (particularly at say two in the morning when your water breaks) and who your child is comfortable with to watch your child(ren) while you are welcoming this new baby into the world.
• Having someone available to help you for the first couple days or weeks. This time will be a huge transition for your and your spouse/partner, and it is wonderful to have someone you can count on to help during this time. Perhaps this person is willing to get up for one of the night-time feedings so you can get a little more sleep. Maybe they can help with loading the dishes in the dishwasher or throwing a load of laundry in. It may be nice just to have someone there to listen and offer advice, especially if they've already been through this parenting thing a time or two. This person could be a parent, in-law, sibling, close friend, or a combination of different people. Be sure you have this organized ahead of time. Ask for the help - don't necessarily assume it's a given. Though I'm sure there will be many people who will offer to help in any way they can when the baby arrives. Simply having a friend drop by who is willing to watch your baby for an hour while you take a nap can be one of the biggest blessings of all. 

3. Do Not Expect Too Much of Yourself

Everyone wants to be the perfect parent. Truth is, there is not a perfect parent out there. You need to let go of these expectations, for they can lead to disappointment and added stress. This time is foreign to both you and your baby, however, it is a time of learning, growing, and loving together.

Don't expect too much of yourself during this transition. There are some days, or moments, when you may be feeling great and think you can conquer the world. Then there might be other times when you're still be in your pj's at 2 in the afternoon, you haven't showered in days, and you're completely and utterly exhausted wondering how you can do even one more minute of this. I want you to know that it is okay to feel whatever you're feeling. I know for me, the first couple of days following my daughter's birth, I was on a natural high - I couldn't sleep (and I really didn't want to); I was just so excited. Then there was a time when we were home from the hospital, in a new and foreign home, with a new baby (who wasn't yet sleeping through the night  - can you imagine?!) I was recovering from surgery and my hormones were all over the place, and I was just so exhausted, both mentally and physically. I cried a lot during that time. And you know what? That is okay. Whatever emotions you are feeling are yours to feel. Do not feel ashamed or think you're a bad mother for having emotional difficulties. Because it happens to the majority of us. Over time, you will learn to read your child's cues and you'll have some sort of schedule with your baby. You'll become more comfortable with your child and in your role as a parent. Just remember, this too shall pass.


4. Take Time for Yourself

In those first few weeks of my daughter's life my doctor suggested that I load her in the car seat and take a drive. The destination didn't matter - a quick stop through the drive-thru, an errand, or simply just driving around with no intended destination. He wanted me to get out of my world at home and into "the real world" for a bit, to feel connected and refreshed.

Take time for yourself. Ask your spouse or relative to watch the baby for a few minutes so you can rejuvenate with a shower. Take the baby for a walk in the stroller - you'll be thankful for the fresh air and change of scenery. When you're comfortable, allow someone you trust to stay with your baby for a couple of hours while you and your spouse enjoy a quiet dinner out. Taking a little time for yourself will not only be beneficial to you, but to your baby as well. 

***

I hope these ideas are helpful in some way. Having a new baby can be a huge adjustment, but it is also one of the most wonderful and special times you'll experience in life. Pretty soon you'll be welcoming that first grin and you'll know right then that everything is worth it. And before you know it, your child will be transitioning to toddler-hood, and you'll be left wondering where the time went. Cherish these first few months, and take care of yourself in the process.

First-time Parenting

In continuation of my last post, I'd like to elaborate on that time in my life. While it is cathartic for me, my true hope is that it might help someone else out there somehow.

A baby is a blessing. And our daughter was and is still a big blessing in our lives. I simply could not imagine my life without her. But I can not tell you that when she was born that everything was easy and perfect. I think sometimes that as first time mothers we all have these expectations and ideas of how parenting should and will be. You hear and read about all of these wonderful stories from other moms, and no one really tells you about the difficulties and struggles you as a new mom will face. And it's kind of taboo to talk about. Some family and friends will understand, while others will have no clue how to handle what you're going through or how to support you.

I will admit that on the other side of that joyous time of my daughter's birth and the closing of our first home came many challenges and struggles. In addition to combining the birth of our first child with the closing of our first home (as if that weren't enough), there were many other factors that came up that increased our stress levels. 

During the wee hours following my daughter's birth, it was discovered that she had a low body temperature. She spent time in the nursery, and after many tests it was also discovered that her white blood count was high, suggesting that she may be fighting an infection. The hospital where she was delivered was unable to get an I.V. successfully into her, so she needed to be transferred to a bigger hospital with a NICU an hour away. I was transferred to the same hospital the next day to continue my recovery. Katie needed to stay in the hospital for a week, for monitoring and medication. I was able to stay for half that time. One of the hardest things is having to leave your newborn in the hospital.

My husband was making trips back and forth from our old apartment to the new house to move our belongings. He was also cleaning and painting various rooms in our new home. In between, he would come to visit us in the hospital. It was a difficult time.

Even more difficult was when we were all finally out of the hospital and at home together, when the visits and calls had quieted down, and it was just the three of us.

While we tried our best to avoid them occurring together, moving into a new home at the time of our first daughter's birth was probably the most stressful time in our lives. Imagine bringing home a new baby while all of your belongings are in boxes and a state of disarray. As a new mom, I think most can relate that we want things to be "just so." Hence why most of us usually going through a stage of nesting during pregnancy.

Added to that was my own recovery from surgery, operating on much less sleep, trying to get the nursing thing down, my body seeming foreign to me, and my hormones trying to balance themselves back out, it was a truly difficult time for all of us. We somehow got through those first few weeks and months. In the moment, it didn't seem possible, but we did.

I'm approaching the home stretch of my second pregnancy, and while I know this time will be easier and less stressful than it was with my first, I still acknowledge that it will be a huge transition, for each of us, in uniquely different ways. Thankfully, this time around I know where things are located in my home and I won't be digging through boxes and trying to unpack while taking care of a newborn.  We will be a little more prepared this time. I'm sure there will still be some ups and downs along the journey, but I know we'll make it through to the other side once again.

Please come back for my next post, where I will talk about ways to prepare for the addition of a new child, as well as tips for getting through those first few weeks. (I think it goes without saying that it is not best or wise to take on two major life events at once!)

Planning

I was purging out my desk at work today (ah, good ol' spring cleaning. Or maybe it's nesting?) and came across my appointment book from 2009.

I probably shouldn't admit that I actually had appointment books dating back to 2008 in my desk!

As I was glancing through said appointment book, I came across the week of June 15, 2009. Oh, the memories from that week. Yup, there was my scheduled ultrasound on June 17th. And then the closing of our house on June 18th, which I had scheduled off. And then my next prenatal appointment on June 19th. Our baby was due June 22.

Funny how you can plan and plan to your heart's content, but truly there is only one Master Planner.

Needless to say, I only made one of those scheduled appointments; the ultrasound on June 17th. That was the day radiology sent me directly to my doctor's office for an NST to check on my daughter, as my amniotic fluid was low. I'll never forget the doctor's words and the expression on his face when he said he wanted to induce me. I looked right at him and said, "You're kidding, right?"

My doctor knew we were closing on our house the next day, so was willing to wait until then (he felt things were not serious enough to not be able to wait). He asked me to come back in that evening to monitor the baby again. When I left, my mind was everywhere - Oh, my goodness, we could have a baby tomorrow. Oh my goodness, we could have our house tomorrow. Oh my goodness, how in the world do we do both??

My husband and I ran around like mad people. We went to the bank, then we went to see our lawyer to sign some things early just in case I didn't make it back for the closing, then we scrambled to get back home so I could pack my hospital bag, and finally we headed to the hospital for that evening's appointment.

Once again everything was fine, so he did a quick check, and sent us home for the evening. The plan was for a morning induction, followed by my husband and me closing on our home, and then back to the hospital.

Around 10 o'clock that night, I started having contractions.

I never made it to our walk-thru or the house closing the next day. Instead I lay in a hospital bed, breathing through contractions, while my husband went to these appointments with his father.

Late that evening we had in our "possessions" both the keys to our first home, and a beautiful baby daughter.

Quick update

Baby looks well. Placenta previa looks...well complete. The ultrasound tech said there's no question I have complete previa, but offered me lots of reassurance on how often he sees it and how it shouldn't cause many problems (unless there is placental abruption) especially since I'm already scheduled for a c-section.

So, I'm just trying to take it a little easy for the remainder of the pregnancy - minimizing lifting, including that of Katie. It can be difficult sometimes, but we get lots of snuggle time on the couch and such. She's also loving the increased independence, like walking to and from the car while holding my hand.

Thank you for the support and prayers.

We're expecting a....

I promised I'd be better with this blog, and it's still collecting cobwebs. Sometimes I have all these ideas swirling in my head of things to write about, but when the page loads and the empty white box stares back at me, I'm speechless.

We had a wonderful time in Maine a couple of weekends ago, celebrating Christmas with family. Katie loved spending time with her cousins - so much so, that she refused to take a nap on Saturday and then ended up crashing at dinner time while she was eating.




In other news, (and for those who are friends with me on facebook, you already know this) we found out at the end of December what this little cupcake in my belly will be:



Yes, another girl! While hubby would love to pass on his family name, I think it is great that Katie will have a little sister. I grew up with a younger sister (we're 2 years apart), and we're the best of friends. I'm thankful Katie will be able to have that special sister relationship and bond. We DO have a name picked out, but we won't be sharing before the little one's arrival. Ernie got the choice of first name this time, and I got the middle name - both having veto power, of course.

The jury is still out on whether we'll try for baby #3 in the future. Ernie was adamant that this is it, but is now unsure. I'd love to have a little boy - though I know we don't control these things. My husband is the III, so there is extra pressure (not from him or I) to pass along not only the family name, but his name. But again, those things are not in our control and we are so very thankful for a healthy baby that is growing inside me.

On a related side note, I do have placenta previa again. The doctors are going to monitor it closely, and so far there are only minimal limitations. I'm praying the previa resolves itself, and there are no complications. I have been blessed with an easy pregnancy thus far, especially compared to my first pregnancy. There isn't a day that goes by that I am not mindful of and grateful for this blessing. If you feel inclined to, I covet your prayers in regards to this pregnancy condition. I have an ultrasound Friday, so I should have more information then.

Katie's News

Katie is 17 months old today, and she has some special news to share...

Katie is going to be a BIG SISTER!!

I am 14 weeks along and due in mid-May. We are all very excited!

Parental Permission Slip

I've said it before, and I'll say it again...







Parenting. It's one of the most rewarding and wonderful life experiences. But it's also one that can cause the most self-doubt, guilt, and worry.

• Am I doing enough?
• What could I be doing better?
• Do I give enough of my time to my children?
• Is it really okay that they play by themselves?

We are our own worst critics in life, especially when it comes to parenting.

Sherri from Zen Family Habits did a guest post on the Simple Mom blog about this very subject, and I invite all of you parents, and soon-to-be parents to read and absorb. Yes, to the best of your ability. Because I know in the grand scheme of things, this is all easier said than done. Why are we so hard on ourselves?

Without further ado, here is your parental permission slip.

Tuck it in your pocket, purse...heck, print it out and frame it. As parents, we need these constant reminders.

Becoming a Mother

Since becoming a mother, I've noticed a few things.

I brush my teeth less.

I shower less.

I sleep less.

Among other things...

But...

I smile more. And I find the simple beauty in life more often.

All because of this sweet girl: